02 February 2010

It's The End Of The World As We Know It (and I Feel Fine)

So, a very good friend of mine sent a link to me yesterday. Not so unusual, as I get a lot of funny links from my friends. There was just one thing that was different about this one, and that is THE FACT THAT IT IS ONE MORE SIGNAL OF THE COMING DESTRUCTION OF OUR CIVILIZATION AND ALL THAT IS GOOD AND WORTHY IN THIS HEARTBREAKING YET BEAUTIFUL THING WE CALL LIFE!

I'm not kidding, it really is. See for yourself: http://lazypatch.com

Soak it in. It is a duvet suit. You read right, a duvet SUIT. A suit made of a duvet. (By the way, I didn't ask why my friend had been looking at duvet suits, suffice it to say I have my suspicions). Now you may be saying, "Golly, Aunt Renee, a duvet suit doesn't seem like a portent of our ultimate doom", but you would be wrong, as usual. Do I have to explain everything? You know, it's really quite lucky for you that I'm around.

You just need to look at the website to see the insidious possibilities of this invention. Its message is all "ooh look at us, we're lounging around on our orange sort of couch thingy, and we're so cozy because it's almost like we're in bed because we're wearing a duvet!" Look at the flash pics on the side. All of those pictures are there to make us want to be surrounded by downy goodness all the time. Look at that cute blonde wearing her skimpy cami and a duvet, she looks great! Hey, there's a guy in a brown duvet pointing at a panty-liner or something in his pocket, maybe he just got back from running to the corner shop for his wife, what a nice guy. That other woman is going skiing in her duvet, she'll have fun and stay warm for sure. And there's a guy taking a cra...Woah! I guess you really can do anything in your Lazypatch duvet suit!

Now you may think this is no different than the Snuggie (tm), but I beg to differ. You can't really do anything in the Snuggie but sit on the sofa, the New York Fashion Week showing notwithstanding. With the Lazypatch you can move around if you have to (although you won't because why bother, really?). You don't even need to change into pajamas, just brush the crumbs off and climb in bed. After all, it has "..arms and legs designed long to cover hands and feet. Simply roll up when wanting to use limbs." That's some scary shit. It makes me want to order like ten of call my congressperson and demand a ban on the importation of these things. Why, the fashion industry could be devastated by this, not to mention the bedding and linen industry! What's going to happen to all of the design houses? The retail shops? The six-year old kids whose jobs are to sew the buttons on our $50 shirts that we buy because there is a really good sale? Holy Mother of God, there are no buttons on the Lazy Patch!! Who is going to explain this to the children? Lazypatch's video even shows how it will all start:

That's right, lady...you'll never get him out of that duvet suit once he's in it. No more dinners out for you.

Inevitably, even getting up off of the couch will become a burden necessitating an evolution of the Lazypatch into something even more self contained. Soon you will see ads proclaiming, "Behold! The Lazypatch stillsuit!"

And God help us then, because you all know what will happen. Not only will we be drinking our own urine, but hygiene goes out the window, the planet turns into a giant desert planet with big worms and evil boil-infested barons will enslave the population. And all because you want to be warm and cozy. And selfish. Thanks a lot.

Now do you understand? Geez.

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